I’ve never really ‘got’ Valentine’s Day. What’s love got to do with buying gaudy chocolates on the feast of the Christian saint of syphilis? The commercial festival feels like everything love is not: loud, superficial and insincere.
Much better is the Jewish equivalent: Tu B’Av. Like love, it marks a gentle reprieve from the challenges of the world during the sadness of Av. Like love, it has few rules, but is unique to each relationship. And, like love, it doesn’t get the attention it deserves.
Nearly three years ago, my husband and I proposed to each other on Tu B’Av on a walk in Epping Forest. I felt very conscious, then, that being able to marry another man as a religious Jew was a privilege unknown to previous generations. It was a gift from Progressive pioneers that enabled us to love and live fully.
I marvel that, for the children in my life now, they have no idea that opposite-sex marriage used to be the only option. They’ve been able to attend weddings of every different gender configuration, and all they know is that it’s supposed to be between people who love each other.
Tu B’Av marks the day when the tribes of Israel were allowed to inter-marry; it celebrates love between people who would have been separated.
For a long time, Jews were not able to have religious celebrations with their non-Jewish partners. It didn’t stop them loving each other, of course, but it did alienate them from their communities. Last year, I gave a wonderful, committed couple their first relationship blessing on the bimah, forty years after they had married in the registry office.
Today, one of the great joys of my Progressive life is bringing non-Jews under the chuppah with their Jewish spouses. I’ve been honoured to preside over marriages that truly bring together a couple’s cultures.
Mixed weddings bring up wonderful opportunities to talk about what customs and symbols really matter in a relationship. One of my greatest memories is of performing a Ghanean-Jewish wedding under a chuppah made of Kente cloth.
This has helped us provide better weddings for Jewish couples too. No longer do we assume that every service will follow an identical script, but each chuppah showcases what is special in a relationship.
I know some outside of our Movement may react in horror at how far Progressive Judaism has pushed the bounds of tradition. If so, then get this: some clergy are starting to do blessings for polyamorous people too. That means celebrations of love can include more than two partners.
We’ve scrapped the abusive practice of agunot, refuse to judge children’s status based on their parents’ relationships, and fully embrace the diversity of humanity.
It is a joy to be part of a movement celebrating every form of relationship.
It feels so much better than any sickly chocolate heart. It feels like real love: defiant and unstoppable.
- Rabbi Lev Saul serves Kingston Liberal Synagogue. This article originally appeared in The Jewish News.
- Picture: Rabbi Lev Saul on his wedding day